So much has happened in the last few months that makes me realize a pattern that has been going on for the last two winter seasons.. For example, winter of 2009/2010 I was in a emotionally driven friendship/relationship with a guy that I thought was one of my best of friends. It started in the beginning/middle of November and the friendship ended shortly after my DOB. So around three months is the length of time it lasted.
Then in winter of 2010/2011 I was in another friendship/relationship with someone else that I had grown very fond of and trying to handle everything in a mature sense. But while this one seemed like it could really go somewhere, I couldn't let myself connect again. Shortly after my DOB in 2011, that friendship ended. Yet another three months.
It may seem like I'm making the point of all my relationships have seemed to just last three months, but its not. The first encounter I truly believe that God put me through to experience horrible pain, know what its like to let a worldly heart lead you, and to teach me the meaning of hatred.
There is a verse that God says, "To he who wishes death upon another has already committed murder." (Don't ask me where, I just know its some where in there.) This tells me I am a murderer. Because I reached a dark point in my life that I created the thought in my mind that I wished something horrific would happen to him so he could feel the pain I was feeling. Knowing that I thought this, it makes my heart very heavy. This is something I am still working through with God, something that is between Him and I. So why I'm sharing this with you, who ever you are, I have no idea.
With my second attachment, it was a very unique experience. I've never once let myself hate him, if anything I feel I failed to be the kind of person he deserves. I lived far away (in my opinion it was far away), I was struggling with my self about beliefs and what's important to me, and I was involved with my sister's relationship with her friend/ex/exfriend whatever he is. I know that feelings I had for him were genuine because whenever I left him to go home I could not, for the life of me, remember what he looked like. But I could feel how much he meant to me.
That night that we agreed upon being just friends I was sad, I knew it had been coming for a few weeks. I was unhappy because of my living situation and events and trying to develop a relationship that would last was impossible for me. When the night came and the drive to meet up, I said my prayer asking for strength. Asking Him to suppress my emotions so I could be clear and keep my strong front. I am emotional and I knew that without God's help I wouldn't be able to walk away without having a serious breakdown.
Both of these guys are great and have wonderful attributes, though they are both completely different. I thank God for the chance I've been given the chance to see my weaknesses before I really get out into the world by myself. With these happenings I've learned to rely on God for my strength more than myself, I believe He throws these emotional challenges at me to prepare me. I love these guys for their roles in my life, even though I find it difficult to be just friends with them.
I have changed. I feel it everyday. Waking up every morning I have so many thoughts go through my head, so many feelings. There have been so many mornings I wake up wishing I hadn't. So many nights I've told God that if He were to take me now, I'd go. As suicidal as that sounds, I promise death is not my first option, that was all during the roughest time living here in the city.
I would explain what happened to me here, but it's really not my place to. I'll just say this; I never understood how dangerous love is, what its like to hate life, and know that someone wants to kill you because you care about another person until I lived here. I've experienced alot, I've prayed alot, I've cried more than I have in YEARS. And I've grown more than I could ever have imagined. I feel like a totally different person and going to see friends who I can tell still see me as I was a few months ago, it's very difficult. I want to be the person they always have known, happy, laughing, teaser, goober, just easy going. I can't be that way all the time anymore.
I'm not saying a I'm a complete bore and have no humor for life, because I do. I love laughter, I love going home because of my wonderful brothers that make me laugh so hard I can't breathe! I still love everyone I know so much, I always will. Once a person gets into my heart, they will be there for the rest of my life.
This may seem a little abrupt but this is all I have to say for now. It's been on my mind for awhile now, since I've been sleeping again I figured I would share a bit.
Everyday is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
God bless,
JoAnna
Then in winter of 2010/2011 I was in another friendship/relationship with someone else that I had grown very fond of and trying to handle everything in a mature sense. But while this one seemed like it could really go somewhere, I couldn't let myself connect again. Shortly after my DOB in 2011, that friendship ended. Yet another three months.
It may seem like I'm making the point of all my relationships have seemed to just last three months, but its not. The first encounter I truly believe that God put me through to experience horrible pain, know what its like to let a worldly heart lead you, and to teach me the meaning of hatred.
There is a verse that God says, "To he who wishes death upon another has already committed murder." (Don't ask me where, I just know its some where in there.) This tells me I am a murderer. Because I reached a dark point in my life that I created the thought in my mind that I wished something horrific would happen to him so he could feel the pain I was feeling. Knowing that I thought this, it makes my heart very heavy. This is something I am still working through with God, something that is between Him and I. So why I'm sharing this with you, who ever you are, I have no idea.
With my second attachment, it was a very unique experience. I've never once let myself hate him, if anything I feel I failed to be the kind of person he deserves. I lived far away (in my opinion it was far away), I was struggling with my self about beliefs and what's important to me, and I was involved with my sister's relationship with her friend/ex/exfriend whatever he is. I know that feelings I had for him were genuine because whenever I left him to go home I could not, for the life of me, remember what he looked like. But I could feel how much he meant to me.
That night that we agreed upon being just friends I was sad, I knew it had been coming for a few weeks. I was unhappy because of my living situation and events and trying to develop a relationship that would last was impossible for me. When the night came and the drive to meet up, I said my prayer asking for strength. Asking Him to suppress my emotions so I could be clear and keep my strong front. I am emotional and I knew that without God's help I wouldn't be able to walk away without having a serious breakdown.
Both of these guys are great and have wonderful attributes, though they are both completely different. I thank God for the chance I've been given the chance to see my weaknesses before I really get out into the world by myself. With these happenings I've learned to rely on God for my strength more than myself, I believe He throws these emotional challenges at me to prepare me. I love these guys for their roles in my life, even though I find it difficult to be just friends with them.
I have changed. I feel it everyday. Waking up every morning I have so many thoughts go through my head, so many feelings. There have been so many mornings I wake up wishing I hadn't. So many nights I've told God that if He were to take me now, I'd go. As suicidal as that sounds, I promise death is not my first option, that was all during the roughest time living here in the city.
I would explain what happened to me here, but it's really not my place to. I'll just say this; I never understood how dangerous love is, what its like to hate life, and know that someone wants to kill you because you care about another person until I lived here. I've experienced alot, I've prayed alot, I've cried more than I have in YEARS. And I've grown more than I could ever have imagined. I feel like a totally different person and going to see friends who I can tell still see me as I was a few months ago, it's very difficult. I want to be the person they always have known, happy, laughing, teaser, goober, just easy going. I can't be that way all the time anymore.
I'm not saying a I'm a complete bore and have no humor for life, because I do. I love laughter, I love going home because of my wonderful brothers that make me laugh so hard I can't breathe! I still love everyone I know so much, I always will. Once a person gets into my heart, they will be there for the rest of my life.
This may seem a little abrupt but this is all I have to say for now. It's been on my mind for awhile now, since I've been sleeping again I figured I would share a bit.
Everyday is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
God bless,
JoAnna
