I know I haven't written anything in awhile and usually when I do it's always because there is a life changing moment, for me anyways, happening. This time I will say... is no different. (Almost had you didn't I?)
I just want to say right now that every person makes their own life choices, each responsible for those actions on the day of judgement. We have a life to live and give to our Father and be devoted to Him through Christ. I have not been so in the last few years, I realize this and I want to change it. Though I may not be as knowledgable as some and I am young, I talk to God. He is the first One I go to with everything in my life because He is ultimately the only One that has any say on what I do.
I have made mistakes these past few years that I will never forget. I have said and done things that I shall live with forever, but quite honestly I am more at peace with myself in the past few months than I have ever been. I am going through a trying time personally, something between Ben and I, but I am not worried or scared or even trying to fight for control over our situation. No point in it. I pray more often now, not for God to fix things to the way they were but that He will grant me peace and strength to endure the next day.
I am not sure what is going to happen anytime soon. I am not sure if what I know is really true, but I do know that through persiverance in prayer God has been helping me.
Recently too, in this past week with Fonda's passing I have thought more about what it is like to lose someone you love so much. I did not know Fonda well, but I never had any past experiences that would guide me to say anymore more or less of her. She was always kind to me, I loved her hugs and the smile whenever she saw me. Everytime I saw her she would say close to the same thing, "Your such a beautiful lady." It was always nice to see her for the fact that she reminded me of that every time, this isn't to sound conceited of myself but because quite often I would debate on whether or not some would consider me a lady. I know it isn't much for a memory of her, but I always saw Fonda's great, caring, love-filled heart.
Thinking of her and what she meant to her siblings, especially to John and Emily, I can't help but think of my own mother and even dad. The thought of losing them in my life breaks my heart even now. (I'm starting to tear up already) My mom is the most amazing mother I could ask for, I know many people say that about their moms but God knew what kind of a mother I would need was. And it is definitely her. I know I don't go to her much about things in my life or even speak to her often, but I think about her and dad so much when I am away from home, even if I'm just at school or work. I want to be the best daughter I can for them, but I know I can't be perfect.
Then Dad, oh my Daddums.. He scares me. But what scares me more is losing his love. I've lost his trust once and that was a heart breaking experience. Move over guys, you can't hurt me anything like how I hurt myself with losing that trust from Dad. I've been trying so hard to be who he wants me to be, morally strong and right with God.
This note is pretty well up and down and I don't feel it's being very coherent, but I my thoughts are never coherent. I have no main point, I have no strongest thought. The worst question you can ask me is what I'm thinking, because quite honestly half the time I don't even understand what I'm thinking. It's pretty frustrating at times.
I really am not sure where else I am going with this, I just felt like typing out some things for awhile since I'm alone at work. Yay me.
Love to you all,
Me~
