I haven't been able blog nearly as often as I have been hoping to this year, but as we all know, things change.
Speaking of change, I wanted to just type out somethings that are bothering me.
#1; for some unspoken reason I have the most difficult time expression how I feel verbally. I have had this issue probably since I turned 16 or 17. Essentially when my journey of going through boys started. I say boys because they never were real men at that time, simply for their immaturity on issues and their life experience if very little. Yet for some reason, whenever I got into the moments when I would feel for someone, my voice would leave me. I couldn't speak out my thoughts, opinions, my feelings. It was always agreeing with them just to avoid conflict, avoid having to really say what I think as to not offend or upset. And now, I'm in a rut of not expressing myself. Fantastic isn't it?
#2; I'm in a point in my life where I feel alone. In the aspect of the friendships I once had. Yes, I still have friendships with a few good ones, but it isn't the same. Not that I really expected it to be, but I was hoping for an easier transformation of the friendships. I try to go back to the groups I was once a part of, but now it's just a feeling of being an outcast. I get this great sense of being excluded. It saddens me that the last time I felt truly welcomed into a group was before I graduated high school. After that, my group(s) are no longer mine. I'm left out.
Here's the thing that gets me though, I try every now and then when I have the chance and the energy to go out with those groups. Yet, a few of my brothers get onto me about to being social anymore. I want to know why they feel like they need to make me be social? I have TRIED to get back into the groove of going out with the groups, and I have felt rejected a few times. If they paid attention they would see this. It's not a factor of me feel being antisocial, it's a fact of being an oddball out now. I really don't feel up the loneliness of going out in these groups anymore. It hurts, but I know people change and I have changed so much. Not everyone is going to have the same friends their entire life. If they are lucky they will have a few good friends to last the long journey.
I love my friends, I love my brothers/family. But I am not the same outgoing person I used to be and I obliviously am not accepted because it anymore. My brothers want to know why the only person I care to hang out with or do anything with is Ben, it's because I don't get any feelings of being judged. I don't feel left out when it's him and I. I would love to be apart of the groups again, but it isn't going to happen. And thats fine, I don't need a group to be happy. I have my best friend, I see him every Saturday. At least so far every saturday.
I hope no one takes this personally, but it's just how it is right now. Maybe it'll change later, maybe it won't.
Stay safe and blessed,
JoAnna
