I know I haven't written anything in awhile and usually when I do it's always because there is a life changing moment, for me anyways, happening. This time I will say... is no different. (Almost had you didn't I?)
I just want to say right now that every person makes their own life choices, each responsible for those actions on the day of judgement. We have a life to live and give to our Father and be devoted to Him through Christ. I have not been so in the last few years, I realize this and I want to change it. Though I may not be as knowledgable as some and I am young, I talk to God. He is the first One I go to with everything in my life because He is ultimately the only One that has any say on what I do.
I have made mistakes these past few years that I will never forget. I have said and done things that I shall live with forever, but quite honestly I am more at peace with myself in the past few months than I have ever been. I am going through a trying time personally, something between Ben and I, but I am not worried or scared or even trying to fight for control over our situation. No point in it. I pray more often now, not for God to fix things to the way they were but that He will grant me peace and strength to endure the next day.
I am not sure what is going to happen anytime soon. I am not sure if what I know is really true, but I do know that through persiverance in prayer God has been helping me.
Recently too, in this past week with Fonda's passing I have thought more about what it is like to lose someone you love so much. I did not know Fonda well, but I never had any past experiences that would guide me to say anymore more or less of her. She was always kind to me, I loved her hugs and the smile whenever she saw me. Everytime I saw her she would say close to the same thing, "Your such a beautiful lady." It was always nice to see her for the fact that she reminded me of that every time, this isn't to sound conceited of myself but because quite often I would debate on whether or not some would consider me a lady. I know it isn't much for a memory of her, but I always saw Fonda's great, caring, love-filled heart.
Thinking of her and what she meant to her siblings, especially to John and Emily, I can't help but think of my own mother and even dad. The thought of losing them in my life breaks my heart even now. (I'm starting to tear up already) My mom is the most amazing mother I could ask for, I know many people say that about their moms but God knew what kind of a mother I would need was. And it is definitely her. I know I don't go to her much about things in my life or even speak to her often, but I think about her and dad so much when I am away from home, even if I'm just at school or work. I want to be the best daughter I can for them, but I know I can't be perfect.
Then Dad, oh my Daddums.. He scares me. But what scares me more is losing his love. I've lost his trust once and that was a heart breaking experience. Move over guys, you can't hurt me anything like how I hurt myself with losing that trust from Dad. I've been trying so hard to be who he wants me to be, morally strong and right with God.
This note is pretty well up and down and I don't feel it's being very coherent, but I my thoughts are never coherent. I have no main point, I have no strongest thought. The worst question you can ask me is what I'm thinking, because quite honestly half the time I don't even understand what I'm thinking. It's pretty frustrating at times.
I really am not sure where else I am going with this, I just felt like typing out some things for awhile since I'm alone at work. Yay me.
Love to you all,
Me~
Friday, November 18, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Where have I been??
My last post was back in April 2011. Four months ago, that's a pretty long time! I feel like I have so much to say that's happened to me, but some cannot be said for reasons like either it's extremely private or just irrelevant. That is aside the point, for now let me start off telling you what has been going on.
This is going to sound naive, even juvenile. But I met someone. Plan and simple. I met a guy, I talked to him for about 2 months before I decided to go out on a date. Oh...OH! I said it. A "date". *gasp* Yeah, yeah, this is where all the homeschoolers start shunning me and talking gossip. But no, I went on a date with him, him has a name but for now he'll just be my mysterious man, in the middle of July. (But what did you go do? Get dinner then icecream???) Yeah, no. Not quite. We went to a triple movie feature at the drive-in in Oklahoma City. Do you realize what that means? We were in his car (Mine was parked across the street) watching movies in the dark on a blow up mattress alone from 9pm till about 4:30am. I'm purposely trying to make this sound as bad as possible. Why? Because, this is why.
In that time frame of 7 or so hours he was respectful about keeping his distance from me, as in no touchy or flirtatious motions. He held genuine conversation about the movies, I found out how big of a nerd he is (An incredibly cute nerd I will add!), we talked about our lives. The past, the present. I was completely myself around him. True, I accepted the fact that he was good looking, but that didn't interest me. I was looking to find something that would last in the years; friendship. And quite honestly, I found it.
He isn't the perfect image of a man that I know my dad wants me to be with or even really think about, but I've come to an understanding with myself that that doesn't really matter. I've been told many times, "I just want the best for you." I get it and I appreciate that you think that of me. I want the best for me too! But that night at the movies I knew that he and I would have a great relationship together, whether it was a friendship or down the road more.
I honestly feel like I could go on and on about him and I and how he challenges me to think more for myself. He makes me express myself in ways that I never thought I could, I am more open with him than I am with a lot of my family. And he is the same way with me. We just click. I don't have the giddy feelings like a little school girl who has her first crush, no, that's not how it's working. I have a genuine love for being around him. Our conversations encourage me, whether he realizes it or not, he makes me want to do my best in school and where I work. In a way, he makes me want to better myself.
Simple as that. Even simpler; I have a real happiness knowing he is there for me.
But, with my current situation at home. I am bound by God to honor my father and mother. So as they wish, he and I have put our relationship on hold. Though mom and dad want us to not be exclusive, I'm sorry. It's just not how it's going to happen. He's given me something of great significance to him to remind me that he is waiting for me to finish school. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Who would wait for me? Cause honestly, I tried to explain to him I wasn't worth him waiting around for 3+ months just for a maybe from dad. I didn't agree with his decision because I know it's not what dad wants.
Notice I talk a lot about what others want and not so much what I want? Yeah... me neither.
Bottom line for now, I'm going to focus on this semester. I'm going to prove to myself that I'm not a complete idiot. He is behind me to show myself that I can do it. It makes me wonder, what did I do to get the attention of a man like him and he tell me encouragements everyday? I'm baffled. But I thank God that He brought him into my life. Because quite honestly, I've been in a rut and he's been making me think, reminding me to pray, and just being there when I needed a friend to sit with me in silence. There it is. I am a mess, a wreck, and somehow... he doesn't want to leave me as he found me.
So, for now. That is all. I am mostly writing all this just to think to myself, but you reading it is obviously no issue or else I wouldn't have posted it. =P
God bless,
love to you all.
JoAnna R.
Well, essentially from the last blog I had finished out my semester at UCO with a B, D, D, and F. Great, right? Yup, that's me... the big university scholar... Point being, I learned a lot with my time in the city. I'm thankful for the experiences I had and that God keep me from getting entangled with a few guys that would have confused my life more than encouraged it.
For the majority of June I left for Colorado to stay with my eldest sister, who is truly a blessing and I find the older I get the easier it is to get to know her, and her husband Benjamine. I left Oklahoma for 3 weeks I think. I didn't really talk to anyone back home, if I did its because they contacted me first. Let me tell ya, wow. It felt great to get away from everyone. Just to stop talking, enjoy the company of my sister, brother, and nieces. I was getting so fed up with people in Oklahoma to the point where I considered joining Air Force as soon as possible! And it's still a semi-possibility. Just depends on God's plans.
Kinda makes you wonder what was going on that would cause me to want to leave like that, eh? Well.. I honestly believe it's been building up from the last 3 years. I've noticed how short I am with a lot of people now, not purposely of course, but daaannngg! I really don't give a crap what majority of people think anymore. I am tired of putting on a show to please others. I want to be me, I want to know who "me" is! But it still seems like no matter where I go and what I do I am always confined to a box. A box with one way of thinking. WTF?? That's what was so great about being in Colorado! I was out, away, breathing and just getting to think about what I actually thought!
Now. Sounds like I went off on a little bit of a rant there didn't I? Oh well, it happens. *Insertion of a winky face*
I am going to through many changes right now. I'm at a conflict with myself and my father. I'm trying to make a decision that in my opinion is going to be life changing. I just pray to God that He gives me an idea of an answer and a peace along with it. I am so stressed to the point that I wake up sore from being tense all day.
To make matter worse, I feel I've lost the trust of the one man in my whole life who I didn't want to lose it from; Dad. My heart literally broken last Sunday when he confronted me about a certain happening. Granted, I understand why he was upset and I take full responsibility for my actions. But I've never felt a pain like that. Tears that I couldn't stop. I'm always able to calm myself and stop the tears! And I couldn't this time, the pain was so much that I went numb for probably four hours. I was in shock along with the numbness.
The whole time that whole evening I kept hearing my own voice telling me that I'm a failure. The last 10 years of your life trying to make your parents proud, worthless. I used to tell myself I would do it right, nothing will lead me astray. But it happened. And ya know what? Ok. It happened. But I wouldn't trade it, it happened to teach me something. It showed me no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I bite my tongue... no matter what I do, I am still capable of making mistakes.
Why should I be punished so much for finding out what I need to do? Are mistakes such a unforgivable thing?? I got to admit, I feel like I'm exaggerating a bit here but I want to get my point across.
I am 19 years of age. I am still young, I realize this. I have 8 older siblings, I've watched my sisters go to heartbreaks and errors. I've seen my brothers go through fizzles with girls. I told myself when I was younger that I wanted my dad to know about who I was talking to or seeing because I want him to be a part of my life no matter what. Yet when I go to him to talk to him about just meeting someone he flies off the handle as if the guy wants to sweep me off to a chapel that day! That's not how it's going to be with me.
Yes, I've made similar mistakes as my sisters at a younger age. Though I see that to be my choice, I want to take the chance why can't I? I don't want to have this feeling I've been having when I'm home; not belonging.
I haven't felt like I've belonged anywhere since I turned 15. Surprising isn't it? Me, for all those years, yet not a single word about it. That's because I figured for a few years that I was just going through a stage. Well, here's a news flash for you... I'm not growing out of it. I still don't feel like I belong. Until recently...
This is going to sound naive, even juvenile. But I met someone. Plan and simple. I met a guy, I talked to him for about 2 months before I decided to go out on a date. Oh...OH! I said it. A "date". *gasp* Yeah, yeah, this is where all the homeschoolers start shunning me and talking gossip. But no, I went on a date with him, him has a name but for now he'll just be my mysterious man, in the middle of July. (But what did you go do? Get dinner then icecream???) Yeah, no. Not quite. We went to a triple movie feature at the drive-in in Oklahoma City. Do you realize what that means? We were in his car (Mine was parked across the street) watching movies in the dark on a blow up mattress alone from 9pm till about 4:30am. I'm purposely trying to make this sound as bad as possible. Why? Because, this is why.
In that time frame of 7 or so hours he was respectful about keeping his distance from me, as in no touchy or flirtatious motions. He held genuine conversation about the movies, I found out how big of a nerd he is (An incredibly cute nerd I will add!), we talked about our lives. The past, the present. I was completely myself around him. True, I accepted the fact that he was good looking, but that didn't interest me. I was looking to find something that would last in the years; friendship. And quite honestly, I found it.
He isn't the perfect image of a man that I know my dad wants me to be with or even really think about, but I've come to an understanding with myself that that doesn't really matter. I've been told many times, "I just want the best for you." I get it and I appreciate that you think that of me. I want the best for me too! But that night at the movies I knew that he and I would have a great relationship together, whether it was a friendship or down the road more.
I honestly feel like I could go on and on about him and I and how he challenges me to think more for myself. He makes me express myself in ways that I never thought I could, I am more open with him than I am with a lot of my family. And he is the same way with me. We just click. I don't have the giddy feelings like a little school girl who has her first crush, no, that's not how it's working. I have a genuine love for being around him. Our conversations encourage me, whether he realizes it or not, he makes me want to do my best in school and where I work. In a way, he makes me want to better myself.
Simple as that. Even simpler; I have a real happiness knowing he is there for me.
But, with my current situation at home. I am bound by God to honor my father and mother. So as they wish, he and I have put our relationship on hold. Though mom and dad want us to not be exclusive, I'm sorry. It's just not how it's going to happen. He's given me something of great significance to him to remind me that he is waiting for me to finish school. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Who would wait for me? Cause honestly, I tried to explain to him I wasn't worth him waiting around for 3+ months just for a maybe from dad. I didn't agree with his decision because I know it's not what dad wants.
Notice I talk a lot about what others want and not so much what I want? Yeah... me neither.
Bottom line for now, I'm going to focus on this semester. I'm going to prove to myself that I'm not a complete idiot. He is behind me to show myself that I can do it. It makes me wonder, what did I do to get the attention of a man like him and he tell me encouragements everyday? I'm baffled. But I thank God that He brought him into my life. Because quite honestly, I've been in a rut and he's been making me think, reminding me to pray, and just being there when I needed a friend to sit with me in silence. There it is. I am a mess, a wreck, and somehow... he doesn't want to leave me as he found me.
So, for now. That is all. I am mostly writing all this just to think to myself, but you reading it is obviously no issue or else I wouldn't have posted it. =P
God bless,
love to you all.
JoAnna R.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Hello again world.
It has been a pretty long time since my last post here and I feel like I just need to type some things out to understand them a little better for myself.
So much has happened in the last few months that makes me realize a pattern that has been going on for the last two winter seasons.. For example, winter of 2009/2010 I was in a emotionally driven friendship/relationship with a guy that I thought was one of my best of friends. It started in the beginning/middle of November and the friendship ended shortly after my DOB. So around three months is the length of time it lasted.
Then in winter of 2010/2011 I was in another friendship/relationship with someone else that I had grown very fond of and trying to handle everything in a mature sense. But while this one seemed like it could really go somewhere, I couldn't let myself connect again. Shortly after my DOB in 2011, that friendship ended. Yet another three months.
It may seem like I'm making the point of all my relationships have seemed to just last three months, but its not. The first encounter I truly believe that God put me through to experience horrible pain, know what its like to let a worldly heart lead you, and to teach me the meaning of hatred.
There is a verse that God says, "To he who wishes death upon another has already committed murder." (Don't ask me where, I just know its some where in there.) This tells me I am a murderer. Because I reached a dark point in my life that I created the thought in my mind that I wished something horrific would happen to him so he could feel the pain I was feeling. Knowing that I thought this, it makes my heart very heavy. This is something I am still working through with God, something that is between Him and I. So why I'm sharing this with you, who ever you are, I have no idea.
With my second attachment, it was a very unique experience. I've never once let myself hate him, if anything I feel I failed to be the kind of person he deserves. I lived far away (in my opinion it was far away), I was struggling with my self about beliefs and what's important to me, and I was involved with my sister's relationship with her friend/ex/exfriend whatever he is. I know that feelings I had for him were genuine because whenever I left him to go home I could not, for the life of me, remember what he looked like. But I could feel how much he meant to me.
That night that we agreed upon being just friends I was sad, I knew it had been coming for a few weeks. I was unhappy because of my living situation and events and trying to develop a relationship that would last was impossible for me. When the night came and the drive to meet up, I said my prayer asking for strength. Asking Him to suppress my emotions so I could be clear and keep my strong front. I am emotional and I knew that without God's help I wouldn't be able to walk away without having a serious breakdown.
Both of these guys are great and have wonderful attributes, though they are both completely different. I thank God for the chance I've been given the chance to see my weaknesses before I really get out into the world by myself. With these happenings I've learned to rely on God for my strength more than myself, I believe He throws these emotional challenges at me to prepare me. I love these guys for their roles in my life, even though I find it difficult to be just friends with them.
I have changed. I feel it everyday. Waking up every morning I have so many thoughts go through my head, so many feelings. There have been so many mornings I wake up wishing I hadn't. So many nights I've told God that if He were to take me now, I'd go. As suicidal as that sounds, I promise death is not my first option, that was all during the roughest time living here in the city.
I would explain what happened to me here, but it's really not my place to. I'll just say this; I never understood how dangerous love is, what its like to hate life, and know that someone wants to kill you because you care about another person until I lived here. I've experienced alot, I've prayed alot, I've cried more than I have in YEARS. And I've grown more than I could ever have imagined. I feel like a totally different person and going to see friends who I can tell still see me as I was a few months ago, it's very difficult. I want to be the person they always have known, happy, laughing, teaser, goober, just easy going. I can't be that way all the time anymore.
I'm not saying a I'm a complete bore and have no humor for life, because I do. I love laughter, I love going home because of my wonderful brothers that make me laugh so hard I can't breathe! I still love everyone I know so much, I always will. Once a person gets into my heart, they will be there for the rest of my life.
This may seem a little abrupt but this is all I have to say for now. It's been on my mind for awhile now, since I've been sleeping again I figured I would share a bit.
Everyday is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
God bless,
JoAnna
Then in winter of 2010/2011 I was in another friendship/relationship with someone else that I had grown very fond of and trying to handle everything in a mature sense. But while this one seemed like it could really go somewhere, I couldn't let myself connect again. Shortly after my DOB in 2011, that friendship ended. Yet another three months.
It may seem like I'm making the point of all my relationships have seemed to just last three months, but its not. The first encounter I truly believe that God put me through to experience horrible pain, know what its like to let a worldly heart lead you, and to teach me the meaning of hatred.
There is a verse that God says, "To he who wishes death upon another has already committed murder." (Don't ask me where, I just know its some where in there.) This tells me I am a murderer. Because I reached a dark point in my life that I created the thought in my mind that I wished something horrific would happen to him so he could feel the pain I was feeling. Knowing that I thought this, it makes my heart very heavy. This is something I am still working through with God, something that is between Him and I. So why I'm sharing this with you, who ever you are, I have no idea.
With my second attachment, it was a very unique experience. I've never once let myself hate him, if anything I feel I failed to be the kind of person he deserves. I lived far away (in my opinion it was far away), I was struggling with my self about beliefs and what's important to me, and I was involved with my sister's relationship with her friend/ex/exfriend whatever he is. I know that feelings I had for him were genuine because whenever I left him to go home I could not, for the life of me, remember what he looked like. But I could feel how much he meant to me.
That night that we agreed upon being just friends I was sad, I knew it had been coming for a few weeks. I was unhappy because of my living situation and events and trying to develop a relationship that would last was impossible for me. When the night came and the drive to meet up, I said my prayer asking for strength. Asking Him to suppress my emotions so I could be clear and keep my strong front. I am emotional and I knew that without God's help I wouldn't be able to walk away without having a serious breakdown.
Both of these guys are great and have wonderful attributes, though they are both completely different. I thank God for the chance I've been given the chance to see my weaknesses before I really get out into the world by myself. With these happenings I've learned to rely on God for my strength more than myself, I believe He throws these emotional challenges at me to prepare me. I love these guys for their roles in my life, even though I find it difficult to be just friends with them.
I have changed. I feel it everyday. Waking up every morning I have so many thoughts go through my head, so many feelings. There have been so many mornings I wake up wishing I hadn't. So many nights I've told God that if He were to take me now, I'd go. As suicidal as that sounds, I promise death is not my first option, that was all during the roughest time living here in the city.
I would explain what happened to me here, but it's really not my place to. I'll just say this; I never understood how dangerous love is, what its like to hate life, and know that someone wants to kill you because you care about another person until I lived here. I've experienced alot, I've prayed alot, I've cried more than I have in YEARS. And I've grown more than I could ever have imagined. I feel like a totally different person and going to see friends who I can tell still see me as I was a few months ago, it's very difficult. I want to be the person they always have known, happy, laughing, teaser, goober, just easy going. I can't be that way all the time anymore.
I'm not saying a I'm a complete bore and have no humor for life, because I do. I love laughter, I love going home because of my wonderful brothers that make me laugh so hard I can't breathe! I still love everyone I know so much, I always will. Once a person gets into my heart, they will be there for the rest of my life.
This may seem a little abrupt but this is all I have to say for now. It's been on my mind for awhile now, since I've been sleeping again I figured I would share a bit.
Everyday is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
God bless,
JoAnna
Friday, February 4, 2011
Chaotic Thinking
I find myself thinking of people and my relationships with those I know and semi-know. It makes me wonder, do they know who I am? Do they really? Do I know who I am? I know facts about myself, what I enjoy and what truly urks me. One peeve is when others act like they know what I want. Countless times its happened where I am in a conversation and am asked a question of some nature. Then when I answer honestly they say their whole, "Oh! Whatever! That's not how you feel." Who are you to tell me how I feel?
This may sound like a post about me just being angry or venting of some suches, but I promise you it's not that way. Yes, these people get on my nerves. I want to know why those who have grown up with me cannot believe me when I tell them a simple truth. If you ask an honest question you will receive an honest answer. What is so hard to understand? Yes, I may not be able to respond right away, but if you want a real answer you will want to be patient for my answer. I have gone through so many changes and experiences in the past few years that even I am still in a bit of a chaotic state of who I am.
Last year I reach my lowest point possible, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. How you inquire? Simple; one of my closest friends at the time broke my heart with hurtful words. In the previous post I mentioned something about being bitter and such, well, yeah: I was. In fact before this happened I had always claimed that I didn't hate, I couldn't hate. I wouldn't say I hated an inanimate objects. I didn't want that characteristic in my life, I was very naïve.
I will say this, God has definitely showed me a whole new side to myself. I know now that I hated someone and it made me hate myself. For months I hated myself, asking why I was so horrible and disgusting. Finally after months of dealing with my self hate and doubt, I had a thought. I wondered what was the point of my life was and if I should continue on or no. Surprising isn't it? Me, of the many kinds of people I've met, why would I think that of myself?
Don't worry, I am in fact still here and loving the life that God, my Heavenly Father, has been so gracious to give me. I am more thankful for every happening in my life now than I ever used to be. Not only a thankfulness, but I've developed a love for life through Christ the Son and Savior. (I've grown up with His name being Yashua, though I've been around quite alot of people that know Him by Jesus. I've yet to find the significance of differences or something like that.)
A good verse I've found for relation between Christ and life is John 20:31 - "But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name."
For now that is all. I just figured that since I haven't written a post in awhile, I should finish this one. (it's been sitting in my drafts for about 2 weeks now.)
Stay safe everyone!
JoAnna~
This may sound like a post about me just being angry or venting of some suches, but I promise you it's not that way. Yes, these people get on my nerves. I want to know why those who have grown up with me cannot believe me when I tell them a simple truth. If you ask an honest question you will receive an honest answer. What is so hard to understand? Yes, I may not be able to respond right away, but if you want a real answer you will want to be patient for my answer. I have gone through so many changes and experiences in the past few years that even I am still in a bit of a chaotic state of who I am.
Last year I reach my lowest point possible, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. How you inquire? Simple; one of my closest friends at the time broke my heart with hurtful words. In the previous post I mentioned something about being bitter and such, well, yeah: I was. In fact before this happened I had always claimed that I didn't hate, I couldn't hate. I wouldn't say I hated an inanimate objects. I didn't want that characteristic in my life, I was very naïve.
I will say this, God has definitely showed me a whole new side to myself. I know now that I hated someone and it made me hate myself. For months I hated myself, asking why I was so horrible and disgusting. Finally after months of dealing with my self hate and doubt, I had a thought. I wondered what was the point of my life was and if I should continue on or no. Surprising isn't it? Me, of the many kinds of people I've met, why would I think that of myself?
Don't worry, I am in fact still here and loving the life that God, my Heavenly Father, has been so gracious to give me. I am more thankful for every happening in my life now than I ever used to be. Not only a thankfulness, but I've developed a love for life through Christ the Son and Savior. (I've grown up with His name being Yashua, though I've been around quite alot of people that know Him by Jesus. I've yet to find the significance of differences or something like that.)
A good verse I've found for relation between Christ and life is John 20:31 - "But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name."
For now that is all. I just figured that since I haven't written a post in awhile, I should finish this one. (it's been sitting in my drafts for about 2 weeks now.)
Stay safe everyone!
JoAnna~
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Self Critic
Tonight I am in a very memorable mood, thinking about my past and what I've done. Actually I've been thinking alot about my life in general; past, present, and future. To be totally honest I've had so much on my mind that it's physically draining me, so much to the point that every morning I wake up and the first thought I have is somewhere along the lines of, "I can't wait to go to sleep." Pretty sad I would say, that I'm at a point in my life that I feel like a waste of space and breath. So I assume it to be about time to release some of these thoughts in a more understandable way for you.
I want to start just with some memories of my childhood, mainly because I do enjoy remembering days at home with my family when the biggest decision to make was Cops and Robbers or Red Light Green Light. I have so many memories about my youth whenever I'm missing home, today's was actually just when I was 12. Not neccessarily the best memory, but memorable none the less.
When I was younger I always dreamed of being like my sister Karen. Always. Granted I know how much of a total brat I was back then (occassionally now-a-days) and hurtful to others about the smallest and trivial things. I remember always praying and asking God that He would make me just like her, to help me to be strong and smart. At that time too she had skin issues and had been having skin issues for quite some time. I remember one day that Karen was correcting me and trying to make me apologize to Daniel for something, probably lost my temper and screamed at him or something of that juvenile nature. While she was correcting me I made a snarky remark that made me realize how much her skin issues bothered her.
Instead of swollowing the massive amount of pride I had, I was a prideful child, I interupted Karen with, "You have a lot of zits." Followed by, if I remember correctly, a horrid giggle and an evil grin. It took not even one second to realize what hurtful things had come from me. Though she kept her composure in the fact that she was still staying steady to correct me, I had never felt so horrible before. Within the same minute I had turned to Daniel, apologized and headed for my room where I spent the next few hours to sit for the first time really feeling own self-despise.
After that day I prayed more that God would some day make me like her. I asked Him to give me the burden of the skin issues instead of her, so that others could see the true beauty I saw. Two years later I got my wish. At least, I got a very twisted version of my wish. Ha, ha, God. You certainly do have a humor... by that I mean; 1. I developed the skin issues. 2. Karen still had some, though not nearly as bad. 3. The closest thing to me being like Karen was... not a whole lot.
The only person I've talked to about this really is Timothy. He has been the one constant person in my life that I've always been able to talk to about anything. He may not know it, he probably doesn't even care, but that's just how he is. I told him about this after my last horrific experience with my skin. Early 2010, my face literally warped into a mushed, swollen, creature. It was so bad that I cried at night sleeping because of the physical and emotional hurt it cause. I became bitter, hateful, and down right repulsive. But the reason and more in depth on that is for another time. My main point from this is that after talking to Timothy, crying my eyes out, expressing how much I hated myself.
He just sat there for a few minutes, then told me; "Your a gem, a diamond in the rough. It's hard now, but when the time comes it'll all be gone and you will be a beauty." As cliche as it is, he gave me a hope that someday I would be beautiful. I hadn't truely felt or thought of myself as a beautiful woman ever since I turned 14. I am definitely more at terms with the fact that I am not perfect, I do not have the noticeable beauty that so many others I see do. But through my prayers I know that God has given me a confidence to still find happiness and laughter in this life.
Timothy always told me the most attractive charateristic a woman could have is her confidence, I believe him and through the years I held on to my confidence. I still went into public on the days that were the worst and hurt the most, I didn't rely on my make up. I pity those poor woman who feel that they aren't beautiful without their "faces." It's a terrible image that's clouded the women of this society.
This post may seem a little chaotic and not following a full thought, but it's what has been on my mind today. I am more thankful than ever to my Heavenly Father for His blessings that He has given me, a loving family, friends that I can cry with, a job that I love, and everyday new experiences and oppurtunies to show the love of Christ. I could keep writing through all hours of the night, but I do need sleep and shower. Please excuse any confusing portions or misspellings, I am a tad scatterbrained. So for now I will say good-bye.
God bless you all,
JoAnna R.~
I want to start just with some memories of my childhood, mainly because I do enjoy remembering days at home with my family when the biggest decision to make was Cops and Robbers or Red Light Green Light. I have so many memories about my youth whenever I'm missing home, today's was actually just when I was 12. Not neccessarily the best memory, but memorable none the less.
When I was younger I always dreamed of being like my sister Karen. Always. Granted I know how much of a total brat I was back then (occassionally now-a-days) and hurtful to others about the smallest and trivial things. I remember always praying and asking God that He would make me just like her, to help me to be strong and smart. At that time too she had skin issues and had been having skin issues for quite some time. I remember one day that Karen was correcting me and trying to make me apologize to Daniel for something, probably lost my temper and screamed at him or something of that juvenile nature. While she was correcting me I made a snarky remark that made me realize how much her skin issues bothered her.
Instead of swollowing the massive amount of pride I had, I was a prideful child, I interupted Karen with, "You have a lot of zits." Followed by, if I remember correctly, a horrid giggle and an evil grin. It took not even one second to realize what hurtful things had come from me. Though she kept her composure in the fact that she was still staying steady to correct me, I had never felt so horrible before. Within the same minute I had turned to Daniel, apologized and headed for my room where I spent the next few hours to sit for the first time really feeling own self-despise.
After that day I prayed more that God would some day make me like her. I asked Him to give me the burden of the skin issues instead of her, so that others could see the true beauty I saw. Two years later I got my wish. At least, I got a very twisted version of my wish. Ha, ha, God. You certainly do have a humor... by that I mean; 1. I developed the skin issues. 2. Karen still had some, though not nearly as bad. 3. The closest thing to me being like Karen was... not a whole lot.
The only person I've talked to about this really is Timothy. He has been the one constant person in my life that I've always been able to talk to about anything. He may not know it, he probably doesn't even care, but that's just how he is. I told him about this after my last horrific experience with my skin. Early 2010, my face literally warped into a mushed, swollen, creature. It was so bad that I cried at night sleeping because of the physical and emotional hurt it cause. I became bitter, hateful, and down right repulsive. But the reason and more in depth on that is for another time. My main point from this is that after talking to Timothy, crying my eyes out, expressing how much I hated myself.
He just sat there for a few minutes, then told me; "Your a gem, a diamond in the rough. It's hard now, but when the time comes it'll all be gone and you will be a beauty." As cliche as it is, he gave me a hope that someday I would be beautiful. I hadn't truely felt or thought of myself as a beautiful woman ever since I turned 14. I am definitely more at terms with the fact that I am not perfect, I do not have the noticeable beauty that so many others I see do. But through my prayers I know that God has given me a confidence to still find happiness and laughter in this life.
Timothy always told me the most attractive charateristic a woman could have is her confidence, I believe him and through the years I held on to my confidence. I still went into public on the days that were the worst and hurt the most, I didn't rely on my make up. I pity those poor woman who feel that they aren't beautiful without their "faces." It's a terrible image that's clouded the women of this society.
This post may seem a little chaotic and not following a full thought, but it's what has been on my mind today. I am more thankful than ever to my Heavenly Father for His blessings that He has given me, a loving family, friends that I can cry with, a job that I love, and everyday new experiences and oppurtunies to show the love of Christ. I could keep writing through all hours of the night, but I do need sleep and shower. Please excuse any confusing portions or misspellings, I am a tad scatterbrained. So for now I will say good-bye.
God bless you all,
JoAnna R.~
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Let's get this ball rolling, shall we?
Egg nog and coffee is a very good mix, for those of you that are coffee drinkers and trying to find new flavors to add to your cup'o'JO.
Now that I've gotten the very random beginning to this whole blog shin-dig done, let's start to the introdution blog.
As those of you reading this should know; My name is JoAnna R.. I would give my last name, though seeing as how this is in fact a public blog I've decided against getting to openly personal with this. I've mostly chosen to start this blog for a various of reading. My number one reason is the fact that I love writing, I always have. Though unless it's about something I absolutely dread I will tear my hair out and scream within myself through frustration. Afterall, who likes to be told what they must write? Well... Unless it is God the Heavenly Father that instructs you. Then I would gladly write what He wants me to.
I've always had a journal growing up to write my thoughts, peeves, and insights. Sadly I've burnt almost everyone of them by now. One thing about me is that I am a very private person about my feelings and thoughts. The only person I've trusted to hold every single one of my secrets is God, but there is no way of holding a secret from Him anyways. He does already know what I'm thinking before I think it, so why waste the energy fighting Him when I know I can confide in Him? Pointless, just pointless.
One thing you will probably notice about my writing style is that I will most of the time write shorter paragraphs, that's probably because from reading as much as I have with all kinds of books I've discovered I cannot keep my comprehension up with a paragraph the size of the moon. Figuritively speaking, of course. Also, I love sarcasm. I love writing in parables. In fact, I love reading parables. Though I haven't read as much recently in the past...year or two...
Now this is just an intro kind of blog to the blogness, I am definitely going to try to write frequently, I hope to develope myself more through this. Writing can be a very healthy way of expression and a good get-away from the frustrations of this society. So, I suppose that is for now. I have some homework and suches to do for tomorrow, so I wish you have a very blessed and safe day!
JoAnna R.
Now that I've gotten the very random beginning to this whole blog shin-dig done, let's start to the introdution blog.
As those of you reading this should know; My name is JoAnna R.. I would give my last name, though seeing as how this is in fact a public blog I've decided against getting to openly personal with this. I've mostly chosen to start this blog for a various of reading. My number one reason is the fact that I love writing, I always have. Though unless it's about something I absolutely dread I will tear my hair out and scream within myself through frustration. Afterall, who likes to be told what they must write? Well... Unless it is God the Heavenly Father that instructs you. Then I would gladly write what He wants me to.
I've always had a journal growing up to write my thoughts, peeves, and insights. Sadly I've burnt almost everyone of them by now. One thing about me is that I am a very private person about my feelings and thoughts. The only person I've trusted to hold every single one of my secrets is God, but there is no way of holding a secret from Him anyways. He does already know what I'm thinking before I think it, so why waste the energy fighting Him when I know I can confide in Him? Pointless, just pointless.
One thing you will probably notice about my writing style is that I will most of the time write shorter paragraphs, that's probably because from reading as much as I have with all kinds of books I've discovered I cannot keep my comprehension up with a paragraph the size of the moon. Figuritively speaking, of course. Also, I love sarcasm. I love writing in parables. In fact, I love reading parables. Though I haven't read as much recently in the past...year or two...
Now this is just an intro kind of blog to the blogness, I am definitely going to try to write frequently, I hope to develope myself more through this. Writing can be a very healthy way of expression and a good get-away from the frustrations of this society. So, I suppose that is for now. I have some homework and suches to do for tomorrow, so I wish you have a very blessed and safe day!
JoAnna R.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)