I find myself thinking of people and my relationships with those I know and semi-know. It makes me wonder, do they know who I am? Do they really? Do I know who I am? I know facts about myself, what I enjoy and what truly urks me. One peeve is when others act like they know what I want. Countless times its happened where I am in a conversation and am asked a question of some nature. Then when I answer honestly they say their whole, "Oh! Whatever! That's not how you feel." Who are you to tell me how I feel?
This may sound like a post about me just being angry or venting of some suches, but I promise you it's not that way. Yes, these people get on my nerves. I want to know why those who have grown up with me cannot believe me when I tell them a simple truth. If you ask an honest question you will receive an honest answer. What is so hard to understand? Yes, I may not be able to respond right away, but if you want a real answer you will want to be patient for my answer. I have gone through so many changes and experiences in the past few years that even I am still in a bit of a chaotic state of who I am.
Last year I reach my lowest point possible, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. How you inquire? Simple; one of my closest friends at the time broke my heart with hurtful words. In the previous post I mentioned something about being bitter and such, well, yeah: I was. In fact before this happened I had always claimed that I didn't hate, I couldn't hate. I wouldn't say I hated an inanimate objects. I didn't want that characteristic in my life, I was very naïve.
I will say this, God has definitely showed me a whole new side to myself. I know now that I hated someone and it made me hate myself. For months I hated myself, asking why I was so horrible and disgusting. Finally after months of dealing with my self hate and doubt, I had a thought. I wondered what was the point of my life was and if I should continue on or no. Surprising isn't it? Me, of the many kinds of people I've met, why would I think that of myself?
Don't worry, I am in fact still here and loving the life that God, my Heavenly Father, has been so gracious to give me. I am more thankful for every happening in my life now than I ever used to be. Not only a thankfulness, but I've developed a love for life through Christ the Son and Savior. (I've grown up with His name being Yashua, though I've been around quite alot of people that know Him by Jesus. I've yet to find the significance of differences or something like that.)
A good verse I've found for relation between Christ and life is John 20:31 - "But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name."
For now that is all. I just figured that since I haven't written a post in awhile, I should finish this one. (it's been sitting in my drafts for about 2 weeks now.)
Stay safe everyone!
JoAnna~
Coming of age. Your thoughts are no different than what most of us go through at your age - although the friendship thing isn't always the catalyst. It was with me, interestingly enough, but I was honest about knowing I could hate. The rest is just a time for learning how to become closer to Yah and your belief in Him. And I can help with more of that whole name thing sometime if you want some clarification but it's likely going to be something you'll figure out in His time for you.
ReplyDelete~Devra