Where have I been??

My last post was back in April 2011. Four months ago, that's a pretty long time! I feel like I have so much to say that's happened to me, but some cannot be said for reasons like either it's extremely private or just irrelevant. That is aside the point, for now let me start off telling you what has been going on.

Well, essentially from the last blog I had finished out my semester at UCO with a B, D, D, and F. Great, right? Yup, that's me... the big university scholar... Point being, I learned a lot with my time in the city. I'm thankful for the experiences I had and that God keep me from getting entangled with a few guys that would have confused my life more than encouraged it.

For the majority of June I left for Colorado to stay with my eldest sister, who is truly a blessing and I find the older I get the easier it is to get to know her, and her husband Benjamine. I left Oklahoma for 3 weeks I think. I didn't really talk to anyone back home, if I did its because they contacted me first. Let me tell ya, wow. It felt great to get away from everyone. Just to stop talking, enjoy the company of my sister, brother, and nieces. I was getting so fed up with people in Oklahoma to the point where I considered joining Air Force as soon as possible! And it's still a semi-possibility. Just depends on God's plans. 

Kinda makes you wonder what was going on that would cause me to want to leave like that, eh? Well.. I honestly believe it's been building up from the last 3 years. I've noticed how short I am with a lot of people now, not purposely of course, but daaannngg! I really don't give a crap what majority of people think anymore. I am tired of putting on a show to please others. I want to be me, I want to know who "me" is! But it still seems like no matter where I go and what I do I am always confined to a box. A box with one way of thinking. WTF?? That's what was so great about being in Colorado! I was out, away, breathing and just getting to think about what I actually thought!

Now. Sounds like I went off on a little bit of a rant there didn't I? Oh well, it happens. *Insertion of a winky face* 

I am going to through many changes right now. I'm at a conflict with myself and my father. I'm trying to make a decision that in my opinion is going to be life changing. I just pray to God that He gives me an idea of an answer and a peace along with it. I am so stressed to the point that I wake up sore from being tense all day.

To make matter worse, I feel I've lost the trust of the one man in my whole life who I didn't want to lose it from; Dad. My heart literally broken last Sunday when he confronted me about a certain happening. Granted, I understand why he was upset and I take full responsibility for my actions. But I've never felt a pain like that. Tears that I couldn't stop. I'm always able to calm myself and stop the tears! And I couldn't this time, the pain was so much that I went numb for probably four hours. I was in shock along with the numbness. 

The whole time that whole evening I kept hearing my own voice telling me that I'm a failure. The last 10 years of your life trying to make your parents proud, worthless. I used to tell myself I would do it right, nothing will lead me astray. But it happened. And ya know what? Ok. It happened. But I wouldn't trade it, it happened to teach me something. It showed me no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I bite my tongue... no matter what I do, I am still capable of making mistakes. 

Why should I be punished so much for finding out what I need to do? Are mistakes such a unforgivable thing?? I got to admit, I feel like I'm exaggerating a bit here but I want to get my point across. 

I am 19 years of age. I am still young, I realize this. I have 8 older siblings, I've watched my sisters go to heartbreaks and errors. I've seen my brothers go through fizzles with girls. I told myself when I was younger that I wanted my dad to know about who I was talking to or seeing because I want him to be a part of my life no matter what. Yet when I go to him to talk to him about just meeting someone he flies off the handle as if the guy wants to sweep me off to a chapel that day! That's not how it's going to be with me. 

Yes, I've made similar mistakes as my sisters at a younger age. Though I see that to be my choice, I want to take the chance why can't I? I don't want to have this feeling I've been having when I'm home; not belonging.

I haven't felt like I've belonged anywhere since I turned 15. Surprising isn't it? Me, for all those years, yet not a single word about it. That's because I figured for a few years that I was just going through a stage. Well, here's a news flash for you... I'm not growing out of it. I still don't feel like I belong. Until recently...

This is going to sound naive, even juvenile. But I met someone. Plan and simple. I met a guy, I talked to him for about 2 months before I decided to go out on a date. Oh...OH! I said it. A "date". *gasp* Yeah, yeah, this is where all the homeschoolers start shunning me and talking gossip. But no, I went on a date with him, him has a name but for now he'll just be my mysterious man, in the middle of July. (But what did you go do? Get dinner then icecream???) Yeah, no. Not quite. We went to a triple movie feature at the drive-in in Oklahoma City. Do you realize what that means? We were in his car (Mine was parked across the street) watching movies in the dark on a blow up mattress alone from 9pm till about 4:30am. I'm purposely trying to make this sound as bad as possible. Why? Because, this is why.


In that time frame of 7 or so hours he was respectful about keeping his distance from me, as in no touchy or flirtatious motions. He held genuine conversation about the movies, I found out how big of a nerd he is (An incredibly cute nerd I will add!), we talked about our lives. The past, the present. I was completely myself around him. True, I accepted the fact that he was good looking, but that didn't interest me. I was looking to find something that would last in the years; friendship. And quite honestly, I found it. 


He isn't the perfect image of a man that I know my dad wants me to be with or even really think about, but I've come to an understanding with myself that that doesn't really matter. I've been told many times, "I just want the best for you." I get it and I appreciate that you think that of me. I want the best for me too! But that night at the movies I knew that he and I would have a great relationship together, whether it was a friendship or down the road more. 


I honestly feel like I could go on and on about him and I and how he challenges me to think more for myself. He makes me express myself in ways that I never thought I could, I am more open with him than I am with a lot of my family. And he is the same way with me. We just click. I don't have the giddy feelings like a little school girl who has her first crush, no, that's not how it's working. I have a genuine love for being around him. Our conversations encourage me, whether he realizes it or not, he makes me want to do my best in school and where I work. In a way, he makes me want to better myself. 


Simple as that. Even simpler; I have a real happiness knowing he is there for me. 


But, with my current situation at home. I am bound by God to honor my father and mother. So as they wish, he and I have put our relationship on hold. Though mom and dad want us to not be exclusive, I'm sorry. It's just not how it's going to happen. He's given me something of great significance to him to remind me that he is waiting for me to finish school. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Who would wait for me? Cause honestly, I tried to explain to him I wasn't worth him waiting around for 3+ months just for a maybe from dad. I didn't agree with his decision because I know it's not what dad wants. 


Notice I talk a lot about what others want and not so much what I want? Yeah... me neither. 


Bottom line for now, I'm going to focus on this semester. I'm going to prove to myself that I'm not a complete idiot. He is behind me to show myself that I can do it. It makes me wonder, what did I do to get the attention of a man like him and he tell me encouragements everyday? I'm baffled. But I thank God that He brought him into my life. Because quite honestly, I've been in a rut and he's been making me think, reminding me to pray, and just being there when I needed a friend to sit with me in silence. There it is. I am a mess, a wreck, and somehow... he doesn't want to leave me as he found me. 


So, for now. That is all. I am mostly writing all this just to think to myself, but you reading it is obviously no issue or else I wouldn't have posted it. =P 


God bless, 
love to you all.


JoAnna R.