I haven't been able blog nearly as often as I have been hoping to this year, but as we all know, things change.
Speaking of change, I wanted to just type out somethings that are bothering me.
#1; for some unspoken reason I have the most difficult time expression how I feel verbally. I have had this issue probably since I turned 16 or 17. Essentially when my journey of going through boys started. I say boys because they never were real men at that time, simply for their immaturity on issues and their life experience if very little. Yet for some reason, whenever I got into the moments when I would feel for someone, my voice would leave me. I couldn't speak out my thoughts, opinions, my feelings. It was always agreeing with them just to avoid conflict, avoid having to really say what I think as to not offend or upset. And now, I'm in a rut of not expressing myself. Fantastic isn't it?
#2; I'm in a point in my life where I feel alone. In the aspect of the friendships I once had. Yes, I still have friendships with a few good ones, but it isn't the same. Not that I really expected it to be, but I was hoping for an easier transformation of the friendships. I try to go back to the groups I was once a part of, but now it's just a feeling of being an outcast. I get this great sense of being excluded. It saddens me that the last time I felt truly welcomed into a group was before I graduated high school. After that, my group(s) are no longer mine. I'm left out.
Here's the thing that gets me though, I try every now and then when I have the chance and the energy to go out with those groups. Yet, a few of my brothers get onto me about to being social anymore. I want to know why they feel like they need to make me be social? I have TRIED to get back into the groove of going out with the groups, and I have felt rejected a few times. If they paid attention they would see this. It's not a factor of me feel being antisocial, it's a fact of being an oddball out now. I really don't feel up the loneliness of going out in these groups anymore. It hurts, but I know people change and I have changed so much. Not everyone is going to have the same friends their entire life. If they are lucky they will have a few good friends to last the long journey.
I love my friends, I love my brothers/family. But I am not the same outgoing person I used to be and I obliviously am not accepted because it anymore. My brothers want to know why the only person I care to hang out with or do anything with is Ben, it's because I don't get any feelings of being judged. I don't feel left out when it's him and I. I would love to be apart of the groups again, but it isn't going to happen. And thats fine, I don't need a group to be happy. I have my best friend, I see him every Saturday. At least so far every saturday.
I hope no one takes this personally, but it's just how it is right now. Maybe it'll change later, maybe it won't.
Stay safe and blessed,
JoAnna
Well I will say one thing, I hope you never feel like you can't come to ME, because you ALWAYS can. Don't ever feel like you're going to burden me or bother me or whatever. You won't. Sure, I have my own stuff going on, but there's always room for you. You are one of my dearest friends and I never want that to change. I don't want another Karen situation where one of us slowly letting go of the other then BAM one day you don't have each other. That isn't fair to anyone. Hurts like hell, too. I always want us to be able to talk to each other, laugh with each other, share our struggles together, without judging each other. That is what friendship is all about. I want you to know that I've always loved you, and I always will. You're GROWING UP and changing and if people don't accept the new you, screw 'em. They have no place in your life.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'll get off my soap box now. Love you and I'm sure I'll talk to you soon.