I find myself thinking of people and my relationships with those I know and semi-know. It makes me wonder, do they know who I am? Do they really? Do I know who I am? I know facts about myself, what I enjoy and what truly urks me. One peeve is when others act like they know what I want. Countless times its happened where I am in a conversation and am asked a question of some nature. Then when I answer honestly they say their whole, "Oh! Whatever! That's not how you feel." Who are you to tell me how I feel?
This may sound like a post about me just being angry or venting of some suches, but I promise you it's not that way. Yes, these people get on my nerves. I want to know why those who have grown up with me cannot believe me when I tell them a simple truth. If you ask an honest question you will receive an honest answer. What is so hard to understand? Yes, I may not be able to respond right away, but if you want a real answer you will want to be patient for my answer. I have gone through so many changes and experiences in the past few years that even I am still in a bit of a chaotic state of who I am.
Last year I reach my lowest point possible, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. How you inquire? Simple; one of my closest friends at the time broke my heart with hurtful words. In the previous post I mentioned something about being bitter and such, well, yeah: I was. In fact before this happened I had always claimed that I didn't hate, I couldn't hate. I wouldn't say I hated an inanimate objects. I didn't want that characteristic in my life, I was very naïve.
I will say this, God has definitely showed me a whole new side to myself. I know now that I hated someone and it made me hate myself. For months I hated myself, asking why I was so horrible and disgusting. Finally after months of dealing with my self hate and doubt, I had a thought. I wondered what was the point of my life was and if I should continue on or no. Surprising isn't it? Me, of the many kinds of people I've met, why would I think that of myself?
Don't worry, I am in fact still here and loving the life that God, my Heavenly Father, has been so gracious to give me. I am more thankful for every happening in my life now than I ever used to be. Not only a thankfulness, but I've developed a love for life through Christ the Son and Savior. (I've grown up with His name being Yashua, though I've been around quite alot of people that know Him by Jesus. I've yet to find the significance of differences or something like that.)
A good verse I've found for relation between Christ and life is John 20:31 - "But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name."
For now that is all. I just figured that since I haven't written a post in awhile, I should finish this one. (it's been sitting in my drafts for about 2 weeks now.)
Stay safe everyone!
JoAnna~
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Self Critic
Tonight I am in a very memorable mood, thinking about my past and what I've done. Actually I've been thinking alot about my life in general; past, present, and future. To be totally honest I've had so much on my mind that it's physically draining me, so much to the point that every morning I wake up and the first thought I have is somewhere along the lines of, "I can't wait to go to sleep." Pretty sad I would say, that I'm at a point in my life that I feel like a waste of space and breath. So I assume it to be about time to release some of these thoughts in a more understandable way for you.
I want to start just with some memories of my childhood, mainly because I do enjoy remembering days at home with my family when the biggest decision to make was Cops and Robbers or Red Light Green Light. I have so many memories about my youth whenever I'm missing home, today's was actually just when I was 12. Not neccessarily the best memory, but memorable none the less.
When I was younger I always dreamed of being like my sister Karen. Always. Granted I know how much of a total brat I was back then (occassionally now-a-days) and hurtful to others about the smallest and trivial things. I remember always praying and asking God that He would make me just like her, to help me to be strong and smart. At that time too she had skin issues and had been having skin issues for quite some time. I remember one day that Karen was correcting me and trying to make me apologize to Daniel for something, probably lost my temper and screamed at him or something of that juvenile nature. While she was correcting me I made a snarky remark that made me realize how much her skin issues bothered her.
Instead of swollowing the massive amount of pride I had, I was a prideful child, I interupted Karen with, "You have a lot of zits." Followed by, if I remember correctly, a horrid giggle and an evil grin. It took not even one second to realize what hurtful things had come from me. Though she kept her composure in the fact that she was still staying steady to correct me, I had never felt so horrible before. Within the same minute I had turned to Daniel, apologized and headed for my room where I spent the next few hours to sit for the first time really feeling own self-despise.
After that day I prayed more that God would some day make me like her. I asked Him to give me the burden of the skin issues instead of her, so that others could see the true beauty I saw. Two years later I got my wish. At least, I got a very twisted version of my wish. Ha, ha, God. You certainly do have a humor... by that I mean; 1. I developed the skin issues. 2. Karen still had some, though not nearly as bad. 3. The closest thing to me being like Karen was... not a whole lot.
The only person I've talked to about this really is Timothy. He has been the one constant person in my life that I've always been able to talk to about anything. He may not know it, he probably doesn't even care, but that's just how he is. I told him about this after my last horrific experience with my skin. Early 2010, my face literally warped into a mushed, swollen, creature. It was so bad that I cried at night sleeping because of the physical and emotional hurt it cause. I became bitter, hateful, and down right repulsive. But the reason and more in depth on that is for another time. My main point from this is that after talking to Timothy, crying my eyes out, expressing how much I hated myself.
He just sat there for a few minutes, then told me; "Your a gem, a diamond in the rough. It's hard now, but when the time comes it'll all be gone and you will be a beauty." As cliche as it is, he gave me a hope that someday I would be beautiful. I hadn't truely felt or thought of myself as a beautiful woman ever since I turned 14. I am definitely more at terms with the fact that I am not perfect, I do not have the noticeable beauty that so many others I see do. But through my prayers I know that God has given me a confidence to still find happiness and laughter in this life.
Timothy always told me the most attractive charateristic a woman could have is her confidence, I believe him and through the years I held on to my confidence. I still went into public on the days that were the worst and hurt the most, I didn't rely on my make up. I pity those poor woman who feel that they aren't beautiful without their "faces." It's a terrible image that's clouded the women of this society.
This post may seem a little chaotic and not following a full thought, but it's what has been on my mind today. I am more thankful than ever to my Heavenly Father for His blessings that He has given me, a loving family, friends that I can cry with, a job that I love, and everyday new experiences and oppurtunies to show the love of Christ. I could keep writing through all hours of the night, but I do need sleep and shower. Please excuse any confusing portions or misspellings, I am a tad scatterbrained. So for now I will say good-bye.
God bless you all,
JoAnna R.~
I want to start just with some memories of my childhood, mainly because I do enjoy remembering days at home with my family when the biggest decision to make was Cops and Robbers or Red Light Green Light. I have so many memories about my youth whenever I'm missing home, today's was actually just when I was 12. Not neccessarily the best memory, but memorable none the less.
When I was younger I always dreamed of being like my sister Karen. Always. Granted I know how much of a total brat I was back then (occassionally now-a-days) and hurtful to others about the smallest and trivial things. I remember always praying and asking God that He would make me just like her, to help me to be strong and smart. At that time too she had skin issues and had been having skin issues for quite some time. I remember one day that Karen was correcting me and trying to make me apologize to Daniel for something, probably lost my temper and screamed at him or something of that juvenile nature. While she was correcting me I made a snarky remark that made me realize how much her skin issues bothered her.
Instead of swollowing the massive amount of pride I had, I was a prideful child, I interupted Karen with, "You have a lot of zits." Followed by, if I remember correctly, a horrid giggle and an evil grin. It took not even one second to realize what hurtful things had come from me. Though she kept her composure in the fact that she was still staying steady to correct me, I had never felt so horrible before. Within the same minute I had turned to Daniel, apologized and headed for my room where I spent the next few hours to sit for the first time really feeling own self-despise.
After that day I prayed more that God would some day make me like her. I asked Him to give me the burden of the skin issues instead of her, so that others could see the true beauty I saw. Two years later I got my wish. At least, I got a very twisted version of my wish. Ha, ha, God. You certainly do have a humor... by that I mean; 1. I developed the skin issues. 2. Karen still had some, though not nearly as bad. 3. The closest thing to me being like Karen was... not a whole lot.
The only person I've talked to about this really is Timothy. He has been the one constant person in my life that I've always been able to talk to about anything. He may not know it, he probably doesn't even care, but that's just how he is. I told him about this after my last horrific experience with my skin. Early 2010, my face literally warped into a mushed, swollen, creature. It was so bad that I cried at night sleeping because of the physical and emotional hurt it cause. I became bitter, hateful, and down right repulsive. But the reason and more in depth on that is for another time. My main point from this is that after talking to Timothy, crying my eyes out, expressing how much I hated myself.
He just sat there for a few minutes, then told me; "Your a gem, a diamond in the rough. It's hard now, but when the time comes it'll all be gone and you will be a beauty." As cliche as it is, he gave me a hope that someday I would be beautiful. I hadn't truely felt or thought of myself as a beautiful woman ever since I turned 14. I am definitely more at terms with the fact that I am not perfect, I do not have the noticeable beauty that so many others I see do. But through my prayers I know that God has given me a confidence to still find happiness and laughter in this life.
Timothy always told me the most attractive charateristic a woman could have is her confidence, I believe him and through the years I held on to my confidence. I still went into public on the days that were the worst and hurt the most, I didn't rely on my make up. I pity those poor woman who feel that they aren't beautiful without their "faces." It's a terrible image that's clouded the women of this society.
This post may seem a little chaotic and not following a full thought, but it's what has been on my mind today. I am more thankful than ever to my Heavenly Father for His blessings that He has given me, a loving family, friends that I can cry with, a job that I love, and everyday new experiences and oppurtunies to show the love of Christ. I could keep writing through all hours of the night, but I do need sleep and shower. Please excuse any confusing portions or misspellings, I am a tad scatterbrained. So for now I will say good-bye.
God bless you all,
JoAnna R.~
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Let's get this ball rolling, shall we?
Egg nog and coffee is a very good mix, for those of you that are coffee drinkers and trying to find new flavors to add to your cup'o'JO.
Now that I've gotten the very random beginning to this whole blog shin-dig done, let's start to the introdution blog.
As those of you reading this should know; My name is JoAnna R.. I would give my last name, though seeing as how this is in fact a public blog I've decided against getting to openly personal with this. I've mostly chosen to start this blog for a various of reading. My number one reason is the fact that I love writing, I always have. Though unless it's about something I absolutely dread I will tear my hair out and scream within myself through frustration. Afterall, who likes to be told what they must write? Well... Unless it is God the Heavenly Father that instructs you. Then I would gladly write what He wants me to.
I've always had a journal growing up to write my thoughts, peeves, and insights. Sadly I've burnt almost everyone of them by now. One thing about me is that I am a very private person about my feelings and thoughts. The only person I've trusted to hold every single one of my secrets is God, but there is no way of holding a secret from Him anyways. He does already know what I'm thinking before I think it, so why waste the energy fighting Him when I know I can confide in Him? Pointless, just pointless.
One thing you will probably notice about my writing style is that I will most of the time write shorter paragraphs, that's probably because from reading as much as I have with all kinds of books I've discovered I cannot keep my comprehension up with a paragraph the size of the moon. Figuritively speaking, of course. Also, I love sarcasm. I love writing in parables. In fact, I love reading parables. Though I haven't read as much recently in the past...year or two...
Now this is just an intro kind of blog to the blogness, I am definitely going to try to write frequently, I hope to develope myself more through this. Writing can be a very healthy way of expression and a good get-away from the frustrations of this society. So, I suppose that is for now. I have some homework and suches to do for tomorrow, so I wish you have a very blessed and safe day!
JoAnna R.
Now that I've gotten the very random beginning to this whole blog shin-dig done, let's start to the introdution blog.
As those of you reading this should know; My name is JoAnna R.. I would give my last name, though seeing as how this is in fact a public blog I've decided against getting to openly personal with this. I've mostly chosen to start this blog for a various of reading. My number one reason is the fact that I love writing, I always have. Though unless it's about something I absolutely dread I will tear my hair out and scream within myself through frustration. Afterall, who likes to be told what they must write? Well... Unless it is God the Heavenly Father that instructs you. Then I would gladly write what He wants me to.
I've always had a journal growing up to write my thoughts, peeves, and insights. Sadly I've burnt almost everyone of them by now. One thing about me is that I am a very private person about my feelings and thoughts. The only person I've trusted to hold every single one of my secrets is God, but there is no way of holding a secret from Him anyways. He does already know what I'm thinking before I think it, so why waste the energy fighting Him when I know I can confide in Him? Pointless, just pointless.
One thing you will probably notice about my writing style is that I will most of the time write shorter paragraphs, that's probably because from reading as much as I have with all kinds of books I've discovered I cannot keep my comprehension up with a paragraph the size of the moon. Figuritively speaking, of course. Also, I love sarcasm. I love writing in parables. In fact, I love reading parables. Though I haven't read as much recently in the past...year or two...
Now this is just an intro kind of blog to the blogness, I am definitely going to try to write frequently, I hope to develope myself more through this. Writing can be a very healthy way of expression and a good get-away from the frustrations of this society. So, I suppose that is for now. I have some homework and suches to do for tomorrow, so I wish you have a very blessed and safe day!
JoAnna R.
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