Tonight I am in a very memorable mood, thinking about my past and what I've done. Actually I've been thinking alot about my life in general; past, present, and future. To be totally honest I've had so much on my mind that it's physically draining me, so much to the point that every morning I wake up and the first thought I have is somewhere along the lines of, "I can't wait to go to sleep." Pretty sad I would say, that I'm at a point in my life that I feel like a waste of space and breath. So I assume it to be about time to release some of these thoughts in a more understandable way for you.
I want to start just with some memories of my childhood, mainly because I do enjoy remembering days at home with my family when the biggest decision to make was Cops and Robbers or Red Light Green Light. I have so many memories about my youth whenever I'm missing home, today's was actually just when I was 12. Not neccessarily the best memory, but memorable none the less.
When I was younger I always dreamed of being like my sister Karen. Always. Granted I know how much of a total brat I was back then (occassionally now-a-days) and hurtful to others about the smallest and trivial things. I remember always praying and asking God that He would make me just like her, to help me to be strong and smart. At that time too she had skin issues and had been having skin issues for quite some time. I remember one day that Karen was correcting me and trying to make me apologize to Daniel for something, probably lost my temper and screamed at him or something of that juvenile nature. While she was correcting me I made a snarky remark that made me realize how much her skin issues bothered her.
Instead of swollowing the massive amount of pride I had, I was a prideful child, I interupted Karen with, "You have a lot of zits." Followed by, if I remember correctly, a horrid giggle and an evil grin. It took not even one second to realize what hurtful things had come from me. Though she kept her composure in the fact that she was still staying steady to correct me, I had never felt so horrible before. Within the same minute I had turned to Daniel, apologized and headed for my room where I spent the next few hours to sit for the first time really feeling own self-despise.
After that day I prayed more that God would some day make me like her. I asked Him to give me the burden of the skin issues instead of her, so that others could see the true beauty I saw. Two years later I got my wish. At least, I got a very twisted version of my wish. Ha, ha, God. You certainly do have a humor... by that I mean; 1. I developed the skin issues. 2. Karen still had some, though not nearly as bad. 3. The closest thing to me being like Karen was... not a whole lot.
The only person I've talked to about this really is Timothy. He has been the one constant person in my life that I've always been able to talk to about anything. He may not know it, he probably doesn't even care, but that's just how he is. I told him about this after my last horrific experience with my skin. Early 2010, my face literally warped into a mushed, swollen, creature. It was so bad that I cried at night sleeping because of the physical and emotional hurt it cause. I became bitter, hateful, and down right repulsive. But the reason and more in depth on that is for another time. My main point from this is that after talking to Timothy, crying my eyes out, expressing how much I hated myself.
He just sat there for a few minutes, then told me; "Your a gem, a diamond in the rough. It's hard now, but when the time comes it'll all be gone and you will be a beauty." As cliche as it is, he gave me a hope that someday I would be beautiful. I hadn't truely felt or thought of myself as a beautiful woman ever since I turned 14. I am definitely more at terms with the fact that I am not perfect, I do not have the noticeable beauty that so many others I see do. But through my prayers I know that God has given me a confidence to still find happiness and laughter in this life.
Timothy always told me the most attractive charateristic a woman could have is her confidence, I believe him and through the years I held on to my confidence. I still went into public on the days that were the worst and hurt the most, I didn't rely on my make up. I pity those poor woman who feel that they aren't beautiful without their "faces." It's a terrible image that's clouded the women of this society.
This post may seem a little chaotic and not following a full thought, but it's what has been on my mind today. I am more thankful than ever to my Heavenly Father for His blessings that He has given me, a loving family, friends that I can cry with, a job that I love, and everyday new experiences and oppurtunies to show the love of Christ. I could keep writing through all hours of the night, but I do need sleep and shower. Please excuse any confusing portions or misspellings, I am a tad scatterbrained. So for now I will say good-bye.
God bless you all,
JoAnna R.~
Jeez JoAnna, get me all choked up why don't you! I had no idea how much your skin bothered you. There's a saying, "Even if you don't feel brave, pretend to be; no one can tell the difference." And that's exactly what you've done. No, I'm not calling you a phony. You've just had confidence that a lot of people do not have, and Timothy is right; that is very attractive. You ARE a beautiful person, inside and out. You have the Holy Spirit residing in you, and people who do too can see how you shine. They can see all your wonderful qualities, and appreciate who you truly are. I love you so much, little lady. You are so intelligent and have so much potential. Keep God first and you'll always win. Shine on. ;)
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